That's No Moon

The Ten Brightest Spots in the Galaxy to Take Your Next Nude Retreat

It’s May the 4th, once again! If you’re like me, you might be planning a visit of sorts to a galaxy far, far away, even if only from the comfort of home. If you’re looking for tips, however, on where you might be able to turn your intergalactic mission into a clothing-optional vacation, look no further! We’ve got you (un)covered with our top ten recommendations for habitable, hospitable, nude-friendly planets across the stars, from desert oases to sandy beaches… plus some options that don’t involve sand, if that’s not your thing.

Before you embark, however, we must ask that you explore the galaxy with caution as many of these locations are for the seasoned traveler only! The Empire is afoot, which is always a hassle, but so are harsh environments, dangerous wildlife, and hostile locals… May the force be with you in your travels and may you never find yourself without a towel to sit on and a good blaster.

10. Tatooine

Pack your binary suns-screen! At our number ten spot sits the desert planet of Tatooine, which may not seem like the most hospitable spot in the galaxy to spend a relaxing holiday at first glance. And you may be right! But for the adventurous traveler who is not afraid of the planet’s excessively dry heat, blistering sun, or sand people, Tatooine’s caves and well-insulated dwellings offer a welcome respite from the otherwise scorching conditions, making for a warm, dry alternative to some of the more humid locations on this list. The planet’s positioning just outside the reach of the Empire also offers something of a buffer from the limitations on nude recreation, so long as you mind your own business and don’t upset the hardened locals or the many unsavory interlopers.

9. Bespin

While you won’t be able to step foot on the perpetually boiling surface of the planet, Bespin’s weightless sky cities are sure to lift your spirits up out of the clouds and into planet’s temperate, breathable atmosphere where the sun always shines. What’s more, the planet’s government has managed to mostly stay out of partisan galactic affairs, limiting Imperial intervention in life on the planet’s many floating cities. Check out the resorts and casinos located in these cities to find one that suits your needs. You might be surprised by the planet’s nude offerings, but it is a world of entrepreneurs and opportunists, after all.

8. Niamos

Long a popular vacation destination planet due to its warm climate and tropical beaches, the Empire’s occupation of Niamos has unfortunately rendered the planet significantly less desirable to tourists. But for the nudist hyperspace traveler, this might be exactly what you need! The dwindling tourism industry has left many of the planet’s best resorts practically begging for visitors and many of its best beaches ripe to reclaim for skinny dipping, sunbathing, and all manner of nude recreation. As long as you’re cautious to avoid the attention of the Imperial presence on Niamos, you might just find the planet to be the nudist oasis you were searching for!

7. Jedha

For the spiritual nudist seeking to explore an ancient, sacred world, Jedha offers just that! Unfortunately, the planet’s Holy City has recently been lost to Imperial weapons testing and much of the planet is ravaged by the Empire’s kyber mining, but the planet’s remaining population centers and temples offer an unparalleled spiritual experience and a connection with the Force not seen on any of the other planets on this list. Though the planet is categorized as largely desert, its overall climate is cold, so be sure to find warm lodgings, choose warmer regions of the planet where clothing is less necessary, or… use the force?

6. Kashyyyk

If you’re seeking a planet where the primary inhabitants hardly wear any clothes at all, Kashyyyk might just be for you, though be advised that the planet’s fauna render many areas too dangerous to enjoy. Still, Kashyyyk’s lush forests, tropical seas, and year-round temperate climate offer an unexpected paradise where clothing is neither an expectation nor a necessity. Be mindful, however, of the planet’s annual Life Day tradition, which is known to cause a spike in hotel rates as natives flock back to their home planet to spend time with family and visitors seek to observe and partake in the local festivities.

5. Cantonica

Not everyone will be able to afford a stay on Cantonica, but for those who enjoy the finer things in life and who engage in the occasional war profiteering gambit, the desert planet’s artificial-seaside settlements are home to some of the finest resorts and casinos in the galaxy. Visitors will enjoy a hot, dry climate along the beaches of Canto Bight, perfect for their next nakation. The planet’s position within the Corporate Sector of the galaxy means money rules supreme here, so enjoy your stay, the food, and the entertainment, but be cautious of the characters you encounter and don’t park on the public beaches.

4. Alderaan

ERROR: Missing location data

3. The Forest Moon of Endor

Okay, this one is a moon! Comfortable temperatures, diverse flora and fauna, and varying landscapes are the highlights of this location, but it’s the moon’s dense forests that most visitors will be drawn to. It is in these forests that the moon’s furry, rarely clothed, somewhat skittish native inhabitants have built their famed tree villages comprised of dozens of elevated platforms, bridges, and rope crossings. These settings offer a serene, clothing optional environment in which the nudist visitor fortunate enough to be welcomed by the carnivorous locals can truly be at one with nature while embracing the simple yet lively traditions of the tribe.

2. Naboo

From its rolling hills and vast plains to its architecturally impressive cities, Naboo offers both natural and man-made wonders that any traveler can enjoy, regardless of combat experience. For spacefaring, sand-averse nudists, the planet’s beloved Lake Country should be high on your list due to its secluded setting away from prying eyes, its verdant landscapes and waterways, and its pleasant weather, perfect for a clothes-free escape. The adventurous visitor may also enjoy a visit to the planet’s underwater cities, though the journey may be treacherous… just watch out for the gooberfish.

1. Scarif

Not even Imperial activity or Death Star-inflicted battle wounds can spoil the pristine waters, white sands, and palm-lined beaches of Scarif. Its tropical weather makes it not just comfortable for nude recreation, but downright ideal! Sure, Scarif has endured its fair share of wartime tribulations, not unlike Jedha, but now that the Empire’s shields have been knocked out, it’s easier than ever to head down to the planet’s island-speckled surface, strip off those clothes, dive into the warm, shallow ocean beaches, and soak up the sun. There's no better place in the galaxy far, far away to cast off your troubles and connect with nature.

---

This has been a parody piece. Enjoy and May the 4th be with you!